New Year's Resolution
It's been a while since I've posted on this fledgling blog. But from what I see, there have been quite a few visitors who seemed to have taken a look at my rudimtary attempts at bullet journalling my pro ana attempts. Now, I know this just sounds like I'm going to say that I don't want to do that anymore, but that would be a lie.
This post is the beginning of what will be my new attempt at losing weight. Most of what I said before still applies in that I do not have an eating disorder and I do not promote it, but I still am actively participating in "pro ana" stuff.
I also still maintain a bullet journal although now it is much nicer. And also, my attempts are mostly centered around maintaining habits, becoming academically better, and weight loss. But this is 2019, and I have the self growth of a snail. This winter break, I've been spending it with my godparents and my godfather has been asking me "What are you going to major in?". You know, the most horrid question someone can ask you as a first semester freshman.
And then to add to the wound, their girls have been taking pictures of me with my devices behind my back, and I'll go to look at my photos, only to see the MOST horrible photos I've ever seen of myself. I've become so incredibly fat and it's convinced me that I need to lose weight one way or another.
There are a couple things that are different this time around though. This time around, I am much more secure of my ability to accomplish things that I set my mind to. This time around I have better resources and freedom to restrict myself when needed and to indulge when I want.
So.... as everyone seems to be doing in the early week of January, I have decided to make New Year's Resolutions. They are the following:
So, what I plan on doing is having 20 hour fasts with four hour periods (when the girls come from school and the godparents from work) to eat. The plan is to fast from 8PM to 4PM. It should be easy enough since I can just lock myself away in my room and write and read and study for next semester. I mean, if I plan on majoring in Chemistry (which is definitely still up in the air), then I have quite a bit of long days and longer nights ahead of me.
I also plan on doing 10,000 steps a day. Most likely while I either watch a TV show, or read a book with Kindle Unlimited. (If I'm bloody paying for the subscription, I might as well make actual use of it.) Maybe in my next post (tomorrow) I will post photos of my current bullet journal.
This post is the beginning of what will be my new attempt at losing weight. Most of what I said before still applies in that I do not have an eating disorder and I do not promote it, but I still am actively participating in "pro ana" stuff.
I also still maintain a bullet journal although now it is much nicer. And also, my attempts are mostly centered around maintaining habits, becoming academically better, and weight loss. But this is 2019, and I have the self growth of a snail. This winter break, I've been spending it with my godparents and my godfather has been asking me "What are you going to major in?". You know, the most horrid question someone can ask you as a first semester freshman.
And then to add to the wound, their girls have been taking pictures of me with my devices behind my back, and I'll go to look at my photos, only to see the MOST horrible photos I've ever seen of myself. I've become so incredibly fat and it's convinced me that I need to lose weight one way or another.
There are a couple things that are different this time around though. This time around, I am much more secure of my ability to accomplish things that I set my mind to. This time around I have better resources and freedom to restrict myself when needed and to indulge when I want.
So.... as everyone seems to be doing in the early week of January, I have decided to make New Year's Resolutions. They are the following:
- Do all of Duolingo French
- Write one million words of fanfiction
- Read 52 books
- Save $3000 in my bank account
- Lose weight (20+ lbs)
So, what I plan on doing is having 20 hour fasts with four hour periods (when the girls come from school and the godparents from work) to eat. The plan is to fast from 8PM to 4PM. It should be easy enough since I can just lock myself away in my room and write and read and study for next semester. I mean, if I plan on majoring in Chemistry (which is definitely still up in the air), then I have quite a bit of long days and longer nights ahead of me.
I also plan on doing 10,000 steps a day. Most likely while I either watch a TV show, or read a book with Kindle Unlimited. (If I'm bloody paying for the subscription, I might as well make actual use of it.) Maybe in my next post (tomorrow) I will post photos of my current bullet journal.
hi-- i don't know if you will read this, or if it will mean anything, but i figured i would try.
ReplyDeletedon't do it.
please, don't do it.
i am a recovering anorexic who didn't believe she was anorexic. i am a recovering anorexic whose regular doctor thought she was fine. i am a recovering anorexic who only got diagnosed because she agreed to the nutritionist visit to appease her mom's worries.
it probably saved my life.
i don't know what numbers or statistics or figures you've read online or have researched that have misled you, but 1. eating less than 1300 calories for even the tiniest, most sedentary person is devastatingly horrible. at those numbers, your body does not have enough substance to keep itself going. it becomes malnourished. your bodily functions slow down. your mental faculties worsen.
you say you want to be a chemistry major. it won't happen if you keep down this path. studying suddenly becomes the hardest thing in the world. you feel fatigued. you can't concentrate. things that came so easily they felt natural to you in high school suddenly become incredibly difficult ir unappealing. you lose motivation. you might think you have a variety of mood disorders. it's your body crying out for help.
2. fasts are the current trend for losing weight without feeling unhealthy or like you're doing something harmful for your body, but they, too, can be very harmful when not done properly. in ancient cultures, fasts were prepared for. you ate more in advance and after, at a steady rate to prepare. they were not a constant part of life.
i, too, once thought fasts were the way to go. i also intermittently fasted, though usually not as extremely as you. i followed the typical 16:8 rule, and would eat between the hours of 9am to 5pm, although even in those hours i was careful to watch what i ate. some days, i wouldn't eat anything, and called it a test of willpower.
i was a complete and utter fool.
my grades slipped; i nearly got kicked out of my university's honors program, and i couldn't understand why it was so hard to get out of bed in the morning. still, without fail, i would drag myself to the gym. but whenever i looked in the mirror i wasn't good enough; there was always something too fat, too big, something that could be corrected if i just worked a little harder, pushed a little farther. i started becoming more irritable around my friends, and my sleep schedule fell out of wack, which turned into a vicious cycle where academic performance was concerned. i never had the energy to do anything, and yet i still blamed it on everything under the sun except the possibility of me having an eating disorder.
my regular doctor didn't catch it because as far as she was concerned, i was a healthy weight for girls in my age group. what she didn't catch is that the twenty pounds i lost in six months couldn't possibly be normal, nor could the ten pounds i lost in the year after that.
you have an eating disorder, my friend. you have body dysmorphia and anorexia and you're malnourished and if these words sound ugly, it's because they are. i don't know you, but i know you're a million times better off without these things. i also know acceptance is hard.
(1/2)
i didn't accept my own diagnosis until about two months after treatment. i still struggle to accept it sometimes, now. but the moment of truth was when my grades started improving, when i started dating again and we didn't argue every other day, when i was able to get out of bed and get to class and have fun in my life again. i eat six meals a day now-- three main meals and three snacks, and i drink two weight gain shakes a day as well, as mandated by my nutritionist. i don't know how much i weigh, mostly because my doctor has forbidden it. and most days, i feel so, so much better. i feel freer. i work at an ice cream shop and i eat ice cream with my coworkers after our shift and 75% of the time i don't feel guilty about it, which is an enormous step up from 0%.
Deleteit will be hard. but you can do it. find your friends, let them in on your struggles, let them support you. i would not be able to be where i am without the support of my roommates, without them nagging me to eat, to put nutritious food in my body even when i really, really didn't want to. they'd eat with me, to make me feel less awkward. we have "second dinner" in our house now.
if you're able, find a doctor. one you can trust, who has experience with these things. don't look to internet calorie calculators. one such calculator told me i should be eating ~1000 calories/day if i wanted to lose weight. that was, and excuse my french, bullshit.
and weight isn't the problem anyways; i know it seems like it, but i promise it isn't. every number looks different with different amounts of muscle and different body types, and i am offering to personally beat up those girls who laughed at your body.
i wasn't allowed to exercise for three months after i got diagnosed, and right now (~four months post diagnosis) i'm only allowed twice a week.
if you need help, or are having trouble coming to terms with this, reply to this message. i will respond, and do my best to help you. none of us are perfect, but we can fight back against all the pressures that make us feel small when we ought to be big and strong, and too big for our boots all the same.
please, take my words to heart. it hurt me to find this blog, and i'm typing this at 2 in the morning in the hope that you'll listen.
it's not your fault, but you're going to have to be the one to take the first step.
thank you and good luck.
Hey! You still doing this? I'd love to see you bullet journal and hear an update! I pretty much am exactly the same as you in this post: 17, following proana, going to college on the fall, etc. I just started a bullet journal (one for life and one for ed) and I'd like to know what you put in yours! Please lmk!
ReplyDelete